In the first month of 2018 I cried… Cried for what I have lost, because of who I have become and am becoming. I have cried for losses, missed opportunities, and what I saw as the end of an era. Cried for the lessons I learnt, the tests I have failed and the new realities. I have cried for hope. For new beginnings, for successes, for finding strength in moments when I had nothing left to give. I have cried for the moments I had to pour out of myself – an empty, damaged, vessel – never again to be whole.
But those were the tears that washed away the lies I told myself. Those were the tears that cleansed my eyes and allowed me to see that a world of possibility exists, one that so many are still yet to see.
In 2017 I truly understood what it meant to be vulnerable, to depend on others, to witness life… and death. In 2017 I faced, and understood, my mortality; yet I live. I faced some of my demons, jumped, fell and was pushed from high places. Clawed and struggled up through the depths of circumstance to truly understand that being bent is not the same as being broken, that my experiences have shaped me to find love, support, to better empathise and to better understand that life is not lived in isolation but in a community. I have learnt to forgive, to use wisdom and to go after what I want… and I have learnt to wait.
On the last day of 2017 I emptied myself. As I emptied my Grateful Jar (where I would drop notes of gratitude regarding things/events for which I’m thankful) I realised that I face 2018 boldly because of the foundation bolstered with positive attitudes and relationships.
Reflecting on 2017 I saw the power of having a vision and following through; the opportunities that I seized when others believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Through my tears, I saw the relationships I let die because I realised I could love myself enough to do without them and relationships I held onto because I loved myself enough to admit that I was wrong and would be worse without.
For 2018, I commit myself to giving back, to helping others, to heal; being less concerned with how I will be remembered when I am dead, but rather to continue to add value while I live.