Shadows

I have always believed that I would die young. I have no idea where this belief came from or why it was never something I could shake, no matter how hard I tried to reshape my thinking or to think positively. Maybe it was just a message I could never decipher. At the age of 16, I had already done the groundwork of “bequeathing” my few possessions and providing guidelines surrounding their allocation.

On my 21^st birthday I shed tears because I genuinely thought that I would not have lived to see that milestone. I doubted it so much that I had tried to prepare my family and friends by talking to them about death, detailing my wishes for my body and generally,  tidying up my affairs. I tried to prepare them because I saw the shock and hurt that accompanied loss and I wanted to save them from the “excess” shock and hurt.

Over the years, my awareness of the inevitable end and of the fragility of the human being has not dulled; instead, I feel ever closer to the end. However, my approach to life has transformed. I do not wallow in my mortality nor do I lament the inevitable end. Instead, I use my awareness as a push to be the best version of me possible.

Forever, I am guided by the dictum: “You can’t pour from an empty cup take care of yourself first!”

Now, I try to live with no regrets. I try to be nicer, more empathetic, to nurture positive experiences and to add value to the lives of those with whom I interact. In addition, I try not to deprive myself of the pleasures of self-care. I never apologise for taking that trip to the country by myself, curling up in bed at 7pm with a book and focusing on my mental health. Without a cup of self- love and preservation, how then can you expect to maintain healthy relationships and pour into the lives of others?

Death may be a physical end but, that’s not where your impact should be felt the most.

Alight

Have you ever been lonely? Not alone, that’s completely different. Being lonely refers to a soul-crushing moment when you realise that, no matter how crowded the room is and no matter how engaging the interaction, there is a piece missing. There is a hole that cannot be filled by vice, by virtue or even by social media.

With over 7 billion people on earth and technology making it that much easier to reach new realms, you wonder whether there is really anyone with whom you can connect. Look at it this way, being lonely underscores the need for intimacy – not romance. Rather, it is about being able to connect with someone at a deeper level than polite smiles. Being able to lay your true thoughts and feelings exposed for examination without fear of judgement and persecution.

Sometimes I sit with the memories of experiences I never had – contemplating. Sometimes, I just sit… hoping that my ability to blend in is appropriately tailored to the crowd I’m with at that moment. Sometimes I am my own crowd, and the silence is deafening. Who will ever admit that they, despite their social circle, are lonely?

The deepest conversation I’ve ever had used no words. In that silence I felt my soul ignite and I remember “Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.”

So here I am – vulnerable; on my journey to authenticity.

Lest We Forget

There are times I sit and I wonder about life and circumstance. I think about the different realities, different experiences, hopes and expectations… and I think about that magic word “deserve”.

It is said “We get what we deserve” or “We want what we deserve”. We deserve that promotion. We deserve to be happy. Heck, we even deserve to be successful and loved.

But, looking back on 2018, I realise that I was not entitled to any of my success or my failures. In most cases, I got the result of the work I put in or from assistance given by others that I capitalised on. Wanting something – that promotion, opportunities, or a certain quality of interaction – is not a matter of having a right to it; instead it is about the foundations we lay and work we put in that makes the difference.

How do we know if we deserve to be sick; deserve to be well; deserve to be in pain; deserve to be happy; or deserve any experience we have at all? We really don’t deserve anything, especially not the best the world has to offer. We simply exist and it is in existing that we have hope.

In existing we try to be the best version of ourselves and trust that, no matter what life throws our way, we have laid the foundation to deal with the challenges; that we have saved enough to treat ourselves to our dream trip, to treat ourselves to that item in that store, to afford that lifesaving healthcare. Trust that we have worked hard enough to be excellent at what we do; that we have been authentic to gain the love of others; that we have set the stage so that what we want… desire… crave is just within our grasp.

We deserve nothing. We all have hopes and expectations but it is up to us to write our story and play the hand that we are dealt. We have opportunities to make life meaningful and to lay the foundation to help others, to discover what gives us a sense of purpose.

We deserve nothing. Once we shed that sense of entitlement, only then will we truly be able to work to create the meaning and experiences that we so desperately crave.

The Write Question

“Why do you write?” If this was something asked a few days ago I would have responded that it was what I was good at. Lately, I realise that writing is the only avenue I can connect with others. The avenue through which I bare my soul and appear more human than the cold shell that is usually used to define me.

However, writing, for me, is more than something I’m “good at”; it’s how I piece together my experiences; edit my circumstances; and punctuate my growth.

How else do I share with so many others the lessons I wished that someone had taken the time to teach me.

I write because it’s who I am. It’s my way of reaching out to others who may need an alternate perspective. To appeal to those who yearn for an escape or even just to know that there is someone else out there who can relate to their struggles; their experiences and even their “almosts” – whether good or bad.

I really don’t remember when I started to pen my thoughts and feelings, but soon after it became my escape. Through writing I have been able to embrace others, come to terms with losses; celebrate triumphs and growth. But I have also learnt to cope… I cope with the lows and temper any inkling of hubris that threatens to loom within me. Through writing I’ve been able to reach out because some lessons are too painful to learn on our own and when I share, I hope to save someone the pain I went through to learn that lesson.

But hey, I may not be the paragon of virtue, at the pinnacle of life’s experiences or even at a level to say that I’ve mastered the puzzle called life. But I write because in the moments when I bare myself on the pages-when I divulge my dreams, my fears, my shame and my journey I hope that someone;  even ONE,  will read and learn.

I write to share, I write because I love.

Soliloquy

I did something recently, something that other persons saw me do and I was ashamed of my action. I was so ashamed that I did not know how to broach the topic with those who witnessed it because I knew that I should not have been doing it in the first place. But what else could I have done?

How differently you view life when there are persons to witness those moments you hoped would be private. Well, being in the situation, I realised that there is never a secret; that slip erased all positives I had done and raised questions about ‘character’.

Every decision has consequences and this was no exception. TWO DAYS LATER I decided to speak with the witnesses – open and honest dialogue. Thankfully, it was a discussion where I was built, not torn down. From that single conversation, I left with 3 main points that I decided to pen:

1. Be mindful – we all have those lapses; those vices that we hope never to be revealed, especially to those for whom we have high regard. Your actions speak for you.

2. Audit your circle – not because persons are available, they are good for you. Sometimes they are there to orchestrate and witness your most out-of-character moments. Moments that you will never be allowed to forget because they will be sure to fuel that flame until even you do not recognise yourself, or worse, until you accept that version of you.

3. Know your audience – Shakespeare wrote “All the world’s a stage…” but for whom are you performing? In that era entertainment catered to different levels of the society. So in parading about on the stage of life, to what section does your behaviour appeal? Do we appeal to the basest sections, who hold us down? Present to those who will guide us into the best version of ourselves.

As I listened to those hard truths, I realised that I fell. I was mindlessly performing for the wrong audience. Although I knew that there was no positive growth there, I silenced that little voice inside me that said “this is a bad choice” or “don’t do it” or even “rethink”. Now, more than ever, I embrace that there are some persons in my circle who should not even be in the vicinity.

I commit that my performance will be elevated. Audit in progress.

Creed

In the first month of 2018 I cried… Cried for what I have lost, because of who I have become and am becoming. I have cried for losses, missed opportunities, and what I saw as the end of an era. Cried for the lessons I learnt, the tests I have failed and the new realities. I have cried for hope. For new beginnings, for successes, for finding strength in moments when I had nothing left to give. I have cried for the moments I had to pour out of myself – an empty, damaged, vessel – never again to be whole.

But those were the tears that washed away the lies I told myself. Those were the tears that cleansed my eyes and allowed me to see that a world of possibility exists, one that so many are still yet to see.

In 2017 I truly understood what it meant to be vulnerable, to depend on others, to witness life… and death. In 2017 I faced, and understood, my mortality; yet I live. I faced some of my demons, jumped, fell and was pushed from high places. Clawed and struggled up through the depths of circumstance to truly understand that being bent is not the same as being broken, that my experiences have shaped me to find love, support, to better empathise and to better understand that life is not lived in isolation but in a community. I have learnt to forgive, to use wisdom and to go after what I want… and I have learnt to wait.

On the last day of 2017 I emptied myself. As I emptied my Grateful Jar (where I would drop notes of gratitude regarding things/events for which I’m thankful) I realised that I face 2018 boldly because of the foundation bolstered with positive attitudes and relationships.

Reflecting on 2017 I saw the power of having a vision and following through; the opportunities that I seized when others believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Through my tears, I saw the relationships I let die because I realised I could love myself enough to do without them and relationships I held onto because I loved myself enough to admit that I was wrong and would be worse without.

For 2018, I commit myself to giving back, to helping others, to heal; being less concerned with how I will be remembered when I am dead, but rather to continue to add value while I live.

Happiness101

I find myself wondering more and more about “happiness” – stemming from interactions with friends, family, strangers and even myself. Going through this period of involuntary examination, I discovered and reinforced certain truths:

1. Real happiness is not something you can commercialise.
2. Not everyone will experience happiness in a lifetime.
3. Everyone has his/her own path.

I know that so many of us confuse comfort and pleasure with happiness. We are comfortable with trinkets we can afford, the respect we think we can command, and the circles to which we can, ourselves, align; but, increasingly, I am faced with the reality that happiness, in the short term, is intrinsic.

One afternoon it hit me that if I wanted to be happy then I had to MAN up:

M – Manage Expectations:

Every disappointment stems from an unmet expectation. I have come to realise that many of us do very poorly in this area and our expectations are unfounded and often unreasonable. I’m not saying that high expectations are bad, I’m simply saying that that they should be based on something realistic. For example, there are relationships we have and we expect the other person(s) to meet our every (whim), to always be available to us and to have a solution for all our problems. But, we may not expect that they may fall short of those expectations. If you find yourself often displeased, check your expectation levels.

A – (be) Aware of self and others:

You need to know who you are and what you stand for. I tell people that I’m better at writing than sciences and that I’m like pastry. I know what my strengths and weaknesses are as well as my interests and I know that no one person is good at everything. I know who the morning people are, who like to ramble and who may be interested by what. Awareness must extend from self to awareness of others – sounds similar to emotional intelligence, I know.

N –  Navigate the obstacles towards your purpose:

As you embark on that journey, navigate the people, situations. Navigate those who nourish you versus those that will suck the fire from your moments. Navigate (toxic) relationships, and (toxic) people. Some persons you meet are just examples of what to avoid, for example, those who blame the world for their difficulty, those who tear down without trying to build (if you criticise at least have a suggestion of a route to improve), and those who seem trapped in the past while they forgo the future.

You can be happy if you just MAN up.

Confession

Everyone who knows me knows I like quotes. Recently, I found a quote that says “We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves” (Eric Hoffer).I liked the quote and I tried to apply it to my life; I applied it to a level where I was comfortable because I believed I was being honest with myself.

However, during workshops with Conroy Wilson and Michael WA Holgate (from the Ashe Company) in June 2017, they stirred up my dirt. I sat through the sessions as they peeled away my false comfort, and caused me to dissect the stories I created around my experiences.

I realised that, until that workshop, I have never been truly honest with myself. I have created stories as a crutch for brokenness, to justify all my actions and behaviours that sabotage me. I realised that I have been lying all this time as a copout because I wanted to have an excuse for areas I did not want to address.

• Fact: My father last visited me when I was about 5 years old.
• Fact: October 2016 I reached out to him via telephone after I got his number that day
• Fact: We had a light discussion for about 3 minutes where I invited him to call should he ever wish to speak
• Fact: I have not received a call from him.

My lack of relationship with my father has played a significant part in my growth and development. Throughout the workshop I came to realise that from this experience I had spun a web of deceit, I had crafted stories to which concretised negatives that I:

• Was unworthy of love, of meaningful connections and of happiness
• Would never be enough, I had to work extra-hard to compete for affection
• Was less of a person, that I was damaged

As I assimilated these, they manifested in all areas of my life. I became timid and aspired for mediocrity. I sabotaged many opportunities that I wanted because I believed that I was not good enough. Who was I to try to go to France or Chile to work/study? How dare I fully commit to master languages when I would not get an international post that requires me to travel? Even in job interviews, I paint pictures that do not really reflect the person/worker I am.

For example, my current boss told me that during the interview she had her doubts about me fitting in the role because I seemed so inflexible and, working in Project Management, required flexibility. However, she prayed about it and I was the one she chose. Now, working with me, she realised that she is happy with my performance because I am not inflexible as I presented and that I really am a fit.

Throughout various points, although I really want something, the seeds of inadequacy and unworthiness led me to act contrary to my interests. I have believed my lies and have accepted that my dreams were impossible for me because I did not believe I was capable, deserving/worthy.

That little seed of self-doubt, I watered it with my stories. It became rooted in my psyche and infiltrated my core beliefs. I created barriers to my potential which I curled up beside and licked my wounds.

No longer. I now stand ready to break through my self-imposed glass ceiling. I know it will take time but, according to Confucius “The journey of a thousand miles begins with the 1^st step”.

Michael and Conroy started me on the path to becoming empowered and their book “Your Empowerment GPA” is inspired. I urge you to read it as it guides us towards being the best versions of ourselves.

Lessons in Passing

There are decisions I have made that, though critical to development, they have also led to losing a part of me.

I am genuinely concerned about persons with whom I interact. But some time ago, I became aware of a pattern I found distressing – I realised that I was the one making 93% of the effort to keep in contact. So, over a year ago I had to change my cell phone and I decided that I would start my contact listing anew, saving the numbers of, and reaching out only to persons who reached out to me.

Being on that path really offered me a chance to purge myself of one-sided relationships. It really gave me a different perspective on life and friendships and it allowed me to learn to let some people go. In short, it was a period of liberation. It was also a period where I was able to solidify existing friendships and to form relationships with persons I did not give as much attention before.

There were friends I explained my new stance to; one, in particular, expressed that he did not agree. I remember when he said “don’t allow others to change your nature…” and he advised that I should still reach out. After that conversation, I sent out feelers and found that there were persons with challenging circumstances which prevented them from reaching out and not necessarily because they discounted my friendship. So, I started to reach out once more…

This weekend, I discovered that a friend I delayed reaching out to died November 2016. She went into the hospital and died the day after. This revelation concretised my friend’s warning. I had allowed myself to be overwhelmed by influences contrary to my nature. Though I cannot reverse life and death, I will move forward and try to add value to life of others by continuing to reach out, because irrespective of how one-sided it is at times, that is my nature.

Year in review

At the end of 2015 I decided to throw my hat in the ring at work for a position I had no experience. That was where January 2016 found me. Wide-eyed and trying to learn the ropes for this new job, I faced many challenges and celebrated just as many victories. But hey, that was just a part of it.

I have shed MANY tears (in private of course), tested my relationships and have lost friends. But, I have identified the few friends who have made the transition to being my ‘family’. In 2016 I had the opportunity to really connect with these persons who I am sure I could depend on to fly to the moon if I needed it and for whom I would push the earth out of orbit.

I have had my reputation flushed. I have been killed. Yet, I have risen from the ashes, resolute and strong. I have repented and I have forgiven my murderers. But more importantly, I have learnt to forgive myself.

I found my voice in 2016. Though I am not yet able to bellow from the hills, I am finding the balance where I am able to honestly tell someone that I really don’t care about the irrelevant trite they may be spewing at that moment instead of condemning myself to live in a prison of my own politeness. (It may sound rude to you but if I had done this earlier I would have gotten so much more out of life).

I have done what I love… I ate out, spent more time with my family and friends, said “NO” more (this was critical), and have given more of my time and skills towards developing myself and helping others.

2016 has been a great teacher. I have loved and lost, re-loved and re-lost and have learnt that I am still worthy of giving and of receiving love. I forgot, and have been forgotten; I remembered, and have been remembered. Now I look toward 2017, with open arms and heart and I say “bring it on”.