Creed

In the first month of 2018 I cried… Cried for what I have lost, because of who I have become and am becoming. I have cried for losses, missed opportunities, and what I saw as the end of an era. Cried for the lessons I learnt, the tests I have failed and the new realities. I have cried for hope. For new beginnings, for successes, for finding strength in moments when I had nothing left to give. I have cried for the moments I had to pour out of myself – an empty, damaged, vessel – never again to be whole.

But those were the tears that washed away the lies I told myself. Those were the tears that cleansed my eyes and allowed me to see that a world of possibility exists, one that so many are still yet to see.

In 2017 I truly understood what it meant to be vulnerable, to depend on others, to witness life… and death. In 2017 I faced, and understood, my mortality; yet I live. I faced some of my demons, jumped, fell and was pushed from high places. Clawed and struggled up through the depths of circumstance to truly understand that being bent is not the same as being broken, that my experiences have shaped me to find love, support, to better empathise and to better understand that life is not lived in isolation but in a community. I have learnt to forgive, to use wisdom and to go after what I want… and I have learnt to wait.

On the last day of 2017 I emptied myself. As I emptied my Grateful Jar (where I would drop notes of gratitude regarding things/events for which I’m thankful) I realised that I face 2018 boldly because of the foundation bolstered with positive attitudes and relationships.

Reflecting on 2017 I saw the power of having a vision and following through; the opportunities that I seized when others believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Through my tears, I saw the relationships I let die because I realised I could love myself enough to do without them and relationships I held onto because I loved myself enough to admit that I was wrong and would be worse without.

For 2018, I commit myself to giving back, to helping others, to heal; being less concerned with how I will be remembered when I am dead, but rather to continue to add value while I live.

Lessons in Passing

There are decisions I have made that, though critical to development, they have also led to losing a part of me.

I am genuinely concerned about persons with whom I interact. But some time ago, I became aware of a pattern I found distressing – I realised that I was the one making 93% of the effort to keep in contact. So, over a year ago I had to change my cell phone and I decided that I would start my contact listing anew, saving the numbers of, and reaching out only to persons who reached out to me.

Being on that path really offered me a chance to purge myself of one-sided relationships. It really gave me a different perspective on life and friendships and it allowed me to learn to let some people go. In short, it was a period of liberation. It was also a period where I was able to solidify existing friendships and to form relationships with persons I did not give as much attention before.

There were friends I explained my new stance to; one, in particular, expressed that he did not agree. I remember when he said “don’t allow others to change your nature…” and he advised that I should still reach out. After that conversation, I sent out feelers and found that there were persons with challenging circumstances which prevented them from reaching out and not necessarily because they discounted my friendship. So, I started to reach out once more…

This weekend, I discovered that a friend I delayed reaching out to died November 2016. She went into the hospital and died the day after. This revelation concretised my friend’s warning. I had allowed myself to be overwhelmed by influences contrary to my nature. Though I cannot reverse life and death, I will move forward and try to add value to life of others by continuing to reach out, because irrespective of how one-sided it is at times, that is my nature.

Missing Rib

Between February and this blog entry I may have had the flu twice. And on both times I realised that I was dependent on assistance from family and friends. According to a character in a movie I saw, illness leaves persons in a “continual state of inelegance”. Yet, as I type this entry, just rolling out of bed, drenched with sweat and thinking about how much I hate the way being sick makes me feel and act, I am driven to share an epiphany.

Many persons with whom I interact have the perception that I am against being married, maybe I am. But going through the experience of fever, pain, hallucinating, and dealing with mucus (so much mucus) I have to really appreciate that I am surrounded by family and friends who helped me through such a time of dependence. On my journey we have already seen that no man is an island but recently I have come to face a much greater reality – mortality.

Looking back, I can honestly say that there was a time I planned for companionship and marriage like so many others. Because going through the little things in life – fever, broken bones, new experiences, cheesecake and wines – are noticeably different with someone else. During my fever and hallucinations I had to face the question of growing older as a single male. I remembered my previous relationships (with various degrees of fondness) and realised that my great fear is not falling in love – which is what I project – my great fear is losing those whom I love.

You see, no loss is as real as when you have had the pleasure of experiencing it. After all, it is said that you can’t miss what you never had. And my fear is that when I have had the opportunity to experience it, and should I lose it I would lose myself and my life in the process. Because we are humans, we all die. I don’t want to die alone, and I don’t want to be alone when I do.

Associates and Associations

There is a period of my life of which I am not proud. A period where everything I did betrays who I am today and who I want to become tomorrow. This period of discovery is one that should usually be so carefully manoeuvred because your past can be used to judge your present and bar you from your future. Recently, I have observed how past associates and associations create and cement perceptions. I have changed greatly yet my past associates and associations reveal things about me as though they are my present.

We all have periods of which we are not proud. Made bad decisions (from which we learnt) and consorted with less-than-savoury persons. What is important is that we have the presence of mind to grow and change. Who I was 3-5 years ago is NOWHERE CLOSE to who I am today. My indulgence, the excess and the profane are minimized because my presence of mind, my desire to develop and grow and my drive are being maximized.

I have decided not to spend my time hiding nor defending myself from the ammunition of my past associates and associations; rather, I am learning as I grow. My past will not be used to falsely define nor describe my present situation because I am not who I was yesterday. They say “show me your company and I’ll tell you who you are”. Use my PRESENT associates and associations to paint my portrait, not my past ones.

Maybe you were an addict, a drunkard, a gossip, promiscuous, a flirt, reckless, a party animal or whatever your vices may have been, change is possible. Those who knew you then do not know you now for a reason – because you have changed and are no longer in their company. Hence, they are severely unqualified to testify to your character.

I am not who my past associates and associations describe me. My present is a world apart because, like you, I change. I grow. I evolve.

Unmasking the secret: Acceptance

I was sitting at the computer, wondering what next to write. What new thing can I include in my blog about the journey to self-discovery and finding my place in the world? I think about the hardships, the pain, the losses and all the situations I deem “unfair” in society: the violence, the rapes, the poverty and homelessness. I look deep within to discover what fuels feelings of desperation, powerlessness and inadequacy.

While trying to figure what thoughts to have shared I went off on tangents to wonder how many slices of cheesecake I could eat in an hour (I LOVE cheesecake), how to maximise on my sleep and other unrelated (though insightful) topics. Despite the detours in thought I finally realised that I am not the same man I was a year ago, nor am I the same as I was 2 months ago. I have changed for the better.

This development was not provided by an external source, I feel comfortable in my development because I found acceptance. Not acceptance from others but acceptance from where it matters – from self. I used to brood over failures. However, I have learnt, and shared in “Failing properly – an Art and a Science“, that even failure has its place. What holds us back is accepting who we are and learning to maximise on our strengths and potential. Life is about accepting the idiosyncrasies and learning to use the differences to grow and actualise.

You are good enough. You are strong enough. You are worthy. Things may not always go how you expect or wish but that does not determine your value. You are worth loving, worth knowing, and worth getting to know.

Until you can accept yourself, you may be stifling your growth.

To Kill or Not to Kill: A Dreamer’s Conundrum

Growing up in a Christian society I was bombarded by The 10 Commandments as the guide to life. As I grew I realised that, although not all societies are religious, each has the basics infused into law. It remains illegal to take the life of another (not including state-executions etc). I found this similarity quite interesting. (No, I have not gone crazy, nor am I idle). It interests me because it is so hard to get members of a small family to all agree to any one thing because each one has a different personality and goal. Yet, imagine countries with different cultures, backgrounds, economic and political realities all aligning with: “Thou shall not kill”.

Sadly, as individuals we are often our own worst enemy. Many of us are seasoned murderers in our own right. We have surpassed ‘killing’ in body and are now targeting goals. I have realised that an individual’s goal is more than just a desire. It defines how one views oneself and one’s place in the world and embodies one’s identity and interpretation of one’s abilities. In short, our goals embody who we are, who we want to be, and foster growth and development to reach there.

When we kill our own goals we leave ourselves in a rut. The propelling power to venture off to discover and develop other facets of the self was destroyed. It leaves us hollow and unfulfilled, accepting the lie that there is no way out and nothing better. However, many are not satisfied condemning themselves to mediocrity and living unfulfilling lives. They believe that they must impose their dullness on another’s promise, that because they were afraid to embrace their goals and potential that another person should not.

Many dreamers and promising souls cower, waiting to be executed by the onslaught of these vicious killers to deliver the finishing blow, immobilised by their sense of powerlessness and acquired minority status. However, let me tell you what many persons will not, only you can kill your dreams. Others may create the environment to force you to waver but only you can; pull the trigger, twist the knife, drop the axe, drink the poison; only you can believe and accept it. It is when you accept in the limitations that others impose on your dreams and goals that you begin to stifle your future. It is then you break the universally accepted guide – Murderer!

Confessions of a Black Hole

Every week I count the days until Thursday. I ruminate, ponder and introspect on all the goals I have established, my progress, shortfalls and new areas in which I can develop. This week was no different. The only minor change was the day. The day that should have been a Thursday was rescheduled to the Tuesday; the day I have my focused contact with my mentor.

Five minutes after she arrived we touched some points that were of concern and, as usual, I had insights, revelations and personal epiphanies. However, the most riveting of all hit me in the face only the morning after – I am becoming a black hole. It hit me because, not only was she coming in from a meeting a great distance away, she had long work hours and tight schedule and YET she still found time to mentor me, as demanding and inward-focusing as I am. She had used her earliest day – fatigued as she was – to meet me and I have not yet delved into how her day was or even broached simple, polite, table conversation. The HORROR!

This individual and others, have given, and are still giving, of themselves and of their time to help me along my drive for self-actualization – top tier in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.  Mind you, a sagacious friend of mine pointed out that I may be overreaching because “one must first satisfy these lower-hierarchy needs before we aspire to self-actualization.” She also posed the question of “Is it because these lower needs are not fully satisfied that you think so much about yourself?” Then after the eye-opening critique she pointed out that “You have to meet these basic needs before you are of use to anyone else.  You have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others.” …truly food for thought

Here I am absorbing the out pouring of hearts into my vessel and yet I am not sharing. Previously, I have been quite active in community service – giving of my time and giving freely. In that realm I felt that I was impacting lives and making a difference. I was passionate about pouring into others the meagre knowledge, skills, emotions, anything that I knew would fill that individual’s void/need. That was before I actively sought out mentorship. Now, after being nurtured I still feel empty because my gaze is inward. I have neglected to continue pouring into others as I am being poured into. I believe that although I have undertaken additional responsibilities that have pushed my service to others on a back bench.

Using the frame of a black hole, I began to look at other areas of my life and that of society. I began to ponder more deeply about taking responsibility to pour into the lives of others with whom I come in contact. A kind word or gesture, spending five minutes to help someone struggling in an area in which I am stronger and even the aspect that goes sorely under- and unappreciated – listening.

Yes, to quote my friend, who again posed a question even the greatest philosophers would be with, again that perhaps “everyone goes through a stagnant period where they can only take and absorb from others without being able to give back immediately.” The key is to recognise that for what it is and learn all you can to fill up another vessel.

My confession is penned, because I use this medium as the first step of my outpouring. Often, blinded by our own goals and desires we fail to listen to the cries of those hurting, to offer our companionship or silence, as needed. Pouring into others is not about the material, it is about touching a life that will touch another.

Failing properly – an Art and a Science

At one point in my life I battled with reality; I dreaded failure. My fight was all-encompassing because it consumed my every decision, my every thought, and even coloured my goals. It was not until later that I realized that my obsession to avoid failing was causing me to fail at everything else.

This may sound contradictory but because I dreaded ‘failure’ I played it safe and failed. I restricted my endeavours and goals to a confined bubble where I was already comfortable. I never stepped out to challenge myself, to try new things or even to attempt to increase my social capital. I was failing in life because I could not see failure for what it was, an OPPORTUNITY. From then, I decided to ensure that whenever I failed I would take the time and care to fail properly.

I love quotations, so I had to share one that has impacted me greatly, it encouraged me to rethink and reshape my reality as well as my approach:

“Life is a book and you are its author. You determine its plot and pace and you-only you- turn its pages”. Beth Mende Conny

I keep this quote close to me at all times to remind me of my power. Yes, my “POWER”. I am like you; I am able to get up and decide to work on my weaknesses. I am able to decide that I will learn from where I went wrong and try again, using the knowledge and lessons from prior attempts intertwined with successes. Beth highlights that the decision to control our journey is in our hands, do you stay incapacitated because you fell once – albeit on lush, manicured lawns – lamenting the cruelty of the world and marinating in self-pity? No! Get up, learn that you walk badly and correct your steps. If you speak to anyone you view as successful you will realize that what has distinguished him/her is the attitude and willingness to correct mistakes and to learn from personal and public mishaps. It is not what happens to us that makes us healthy, wealthy and wise, it’s how we react that makes the difference.

The next time you fail, remember that it is not the end of the world; it is an opportunity to shake the dust off your wings and go higher, and farther. Relax. Don’t take your disappointments so seriously. I am not supporting mediocrity, nor am I saying you should be complacent and not approach everything you undertake well-armed and -informed to succeed. I am saying that instead of cowering away from new areas, lowering your goals or standards to fit within your comfort zone, or even bemoaning your lot and hiding away from the world because you did not get what you want or went after, you should take everything you learnt and put it in your next attempt. The experience of failing does not make you a failure; it is in not failing properly that you would have become a failure.

The Beginning – lessons from trash

As we grow older there are times when we must face how we define ourselves. We question our goals, achievements, dreams and our journey to attain them. Yet most times we never stop to look at and appreciate what we have achieved. As a 21 years old male, my journey is just starting.

In the past few months I feel as though I did a lot of my growing up, more than I had to at any other period in life. I faced more issues and decisions that have really opened me up to scrutiny of my peers and superiors. I have had to reconsider my priorities as well as my definition of who I am as an individual; and just when I thought “I can’t do this.” I realised that I really don’t have that luxury. I have goals and aspirations. I, like everyone else, want to be extraordinary. I’m only different because I had the guts to start.

Make room – preparing for growth

In my experiences I find that the key to growing is to make room for the growth. Yes, you read correctly. We approach the present with ‘baggage’ that has our feet nailed to the floor. We want to move ahead yet we have the same friends who are intent on staying where they are (their choice) but they also demand that you remain stagnant as well. Don’t misunderstand, I am not saying that you should forsake your friends or your ‘roots’; I simply mean that the persons who you keep in your life should be adding value to your life. They should be people who strengthen you just as you strengthen them because being in a one-sided relationship is exactly what neither party wants.

Also, you have persons who try to move on but carry baggage. I compare this to travelling with your trash. You neglect to put the trash in the bins you pass as you journey. Initially, you hurry along because you want to reach your destination to dump it and you are very aware of it, after all, it stinks! But as you pass bins and dumps you still clutch your trash until the foul odour no longer bothers you and you simply start accepting it as a burden to bear as you journey. BUT you fail to realise that by now the odour clings to you and YOU STINK. With that foul odour people avoid you. You miss opportunities and your hands are still full of garbage/refuse/trash.

If you dump the trash in your bin, not hide it, it leaves your hands free to seize the opportunities and the day. The foul odour would not drive people away because you did not hold on to the trash unnecessarily so it would not have been able to permeate and pollute your substance. That is the same approach I propose for your baggage. Solve them, come to terms with them and dump them, where applicable, but don’t let it mean you falling victim to becoming a victim. Don’t let your bad experiences, your anger, your hurts and other negatives subtract from the quality of your journey, the quality of your interactions and your opportunities. Deal with it and let it go, it is refreshing.

Once you decide to take the first step the wheels are in motion, it’s just for you to ‘seize the day’.